When is it enough?

Do you ever get pissed that others are thriving when you can't get your shit together?

Today was our local half and full marathon.  I knew several people running it - mostly from my gym and a few others.  And they freakin' rocked it.  And me?  I can't get my butt out the door to do my long run today because I'm scared of it.  

What happened to me?  When did the anxiety get so big that I'd rather give up than try to succeed?

I recently decided to externally motivate myself.  I had ChatGPT help me write a point system for running.  Different types of runs get different points; doing runs in the morning gets points; doing runs as they are written and on the day they're assigned get points.  Once you level up in points you get rewards - new running socks, new running hat, etc.  This should work.  I like incentives.  The problem is, I know it's not going to work.  Being fun-employed I know I can't reward myself; I don't have extra spending money for that.  I don't know what's going to motivate me though.  The thought of signing up for a race makes me sick.  I want to do it, but I know I can't succeed the way I want to, the way I should.  So why bother?  

I've had some really good runs lately.  I've smashed workouts and paces.  The owner at the gym told me I'm looking lean.  So did the husband.  

I saw a photo of me this week from when I was at my ultimate low.  It is a reminder of where I was and where I am now.  I guess I'm proud of that, but it's also a reminder of how far I still have to go.

(Ugh!  I tried to insert a photo and the program won't let me.  I hate you Google!)

I know success should look different now.  I'm not ready for that though.  Honestly, if I can't be the runner I once was, I don't want to continue running.  When do you know when to say enough?