Today is the 2012 edition of Ironman Louisville. For the first time in three or four years I'm not there to watch it in person. Instead I have been following it on my iPad, with my pajamas on, in bed. All.Day.
It's been two years since my DNF at Ironman Louisville. The pain of not finishing is still as fresh today as it was then. Since that time I have had two DNS at ironman, another DNF at an ironman, and haven't even run a marathon. Ironman Louisville crushed my soul. I used to line up at races ready to crush my competition. Now I line up at a race scared of what lies ahead. I absolutely dread racing anymore.
On the outside I like to say it's okay that I've gone back to running and that being "only" a runner suits me. But I'm totally lying. See, I don't really feel like I have anything left to accomplish in running. I have run marathon after marathon and finished up my last marathon at Boston with a new PR. Let's be honest, I will never qualify for the Olympic trials, so I don't really feel like there's a whole lot left for me as a marathoner. Sure I can keep getting faster, but what's bigger than a PR at Boston? The only thing I have left for my athletic goals is Ironman.
And it has to be Ironman Louisville.
It will be at least two years before I will toe the line again at Ironman. I think my mind needs time to heal. I need to live some life and know that there are things bigger than Ironman. Then and only then will I be ready to try again. And I will try again.