Let's get real.
I haven't had a whole lot to say on here as I'm been going through a really rough patch. Life has been tough lately. I haven't yet seen a silver lining. Most days I'm just going through the motions. I'm hoping there's an end to all of this soon.
This started a few months ago and has been building since then. The Husband got his dream job late this winter and started at the end of April. It's what he has been working his whole career for, and I'm super proud of him. But it has also made everything a little more difficult. First, he took a pay cut to take the job. It's not that much, but all money makes a difference, ya know?? So the real kicker has been the time commitment. He loved that this job would not require any extra hours or work from home or being on-call - all stuff he had to do at his previous job. The commute, though, has basically wrapped all of those into one big chunk of time that has made my life miserable. His previous job was literally right around the corner. One mile. He would ride his bike in the summertime. He would leave after we got up in the morning and would be home ten minutes after he said he was leaving. We would have lunch with him at least once a week. It broke up a long day with the little one and helped me feel not so much like a stay-at-home mom but a co-parent.
The new job is downtown. Sure, it's only like 16 miles and we don't have nearly the traffic as most major cities, but the commute seems to take up a large chunk of time. He leave before the kiddo and I get up in the morning. He does this so he can get out of work earlier, but even earlier his commute is still an hour to get home. The Husband usually gets home about one minute before I leave for work. Which means, I basically hand off our son and run out the door, only to return after 10:00pm without having said goodnight to Anderson or tucked him in or eaten a proper family dinner, etc. I went from being a co-parent to feeling like a single parent without a spouse or a friend or anything to do.
In addition to the daily time commitment of our jobs and never seeing each other on the weekdays, I have worked every Saturday and Sunday this entire summer. We recently bought a camper (more on that some other time) and every time we've gone camping I've had to leave to go to work or miss a day to stay back and go to work. It sucks. There has been zero family time this summer. Plus, as I've noted before, we are doing renovations to our whole house which has come to a complete standstill because it's nearly impossible for one of us to do anything if the other isn't around to entertain the little one.
I mentioned that Dave had to take a pay cut for this job. Again, no big deal, but for as many hours as I spend at my job and the responsibilities I have, I make next to nothing. Seriously. Most of my biweekly paychecks come back less than $300. THREE HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS!!!! What the hell am I supposed to do with $300?!? I can buy nothing. No repairs for the house, no adventures for the family, nothing. Plus, I can't even afford any childcare to be able to work more hours to be able to make more money. And I'm not going to just keep him at Child Watch at the Y just to be able to pick up more hours. I hate taking my child to work with me and I hate that all he does is play. He's learning nothing; no one is loving on him; and there are germs galore. Right now, I'm soooo sick of the Y.
Back in June I decided it was time to go back to work full time. If I am making the right kind of money I don't have a problem getting a nanny or putting Anderson in daycare so that we could spend more time together as a family and give us the money to be able to do things like renovations on our house, camp together, and other adventures. To date I have applied for eight jobs. Two of which I have worked before, one being my previous job which I loved. Another of the jobs is actually a promotion at my current job. I'm not thrilled about the idea but at least it's something. It's been a solid six weeks since I began this search and apply process. To date I've had two interviews for the promotion, been turned down for two jobs without even a call or an interview, and have heard absolutely nothing about the other five jobs. This is including my previous job in which I have the same manager and senior director, both of whom I have contacted to help me out. I am so frustrated, disappointed, and frankly, desperate. Each day I wake up with hope that "today's the day" and by the afternoon I am beat down and worn out. Why does this have to be so hard? I have an engineering degree and worked professionally for years, for crying out loud, how am I not qualified for any jobs????
So there you have it. My summer of depression in a nutshell. I'm still training a ton - lots of running, lots of swimming, but everything else in my life just feels like I'm going through the motions. Cross your fingers for us, say a little prayer, do a little dance, whatever. We seriously need something to happen and for me, it can't come soon enough.