Monday, September 13, 2010

Time and Change

Yesterday I was set to tri again at Rev3 Cedar Point. I didn't do it.

With my disappointment in Louisville I was looking to redeem myself and quickly. Cedar Point was a natural choice as I was already going to be there, I knew people who knew people and was able to get myself in as a late entry, financially it made sense, and most importantly, Dave and my family were okay with it. I signed up and retapered. I didn't really tell anyone about it until right before the race when I started leaking things on Facebook and immediately people knew what I was doing. The game was on.

Physically I felt fine; mentally, I was a mess. Since the race I keep having visions of what happened at mile 16 of my Ironman. It really scared me and I didn't know if I was ready to try again so quickly. The night before the race I tossed and turned all night long and came to the conclusion: it's not worth it. So when we woke up Sunday morning I told Dave my decision. He was not happy. He convinced me to put on my race uniform, grab all my stuff, and head down to transition. I fought kicking and screaming the whole way. Finally in the parking lot, I made my final decision. I WAS NOT DOING THE RACE!

I felt good about my decision. I felt bad about my decision. I felt good about my decision. And now I'm back to feeling bad about my decision.

So what happens now? Honestly, I don't know. I know I'm burnt out on triathlon for the season. No I am not going to be signing up for Great Floridian or Beach to Battleship. My season of triathlon is over. I am hoping to do some more running, hopefully doing some running races since I missed a whole summer of road races. Will I come back to triathlon next summer? I'm not sure. Louisville was supposed to be my one shot at Ironman. I was looking forward to moving on with my life after that race. I would have finished what I came to accomplish: marathons, Boston, Ironman.....LIFE. I want to progress my business. I'd even venture to say I've thought about starting a family (Mom, Pat if you're reading this, don't get your hopes up). But now I still feel like I have unfinished business; unfinished business that I should be able to finish.

I don't know what's going to happen with becoming Iron. Tomorrow, I'm going to leave my Garmin and heart rate monitor at home, strap on my running shoes, and just run.


Tim Kasparek said...

i really appreciate this post Meredith. for different reasons of course I find myself questioning my own goals, wants, and desires at this moment and it's nice to hear someone else speak real! i am very cautious to give any advice so i won't but i am confident you'll make the best decision for you at it applies to your life. "forget regret or life is yours to miss!"

M said...

very much identified with this post - spent the last month going back and forth with whether or not to become Iron again (or - gasp! - start a family). its such a massive committment that its hard to decide how to prioritize it in life.

because so much of this sport - especially the iron distance- is mental, i think you made a great choice that morning. if your head wasn't in the game, it wasn't worth getting out there. your body and mind went through so much in louisville that your instinct was telling you to take a break.

perhaps some down time and seperation from tri - getting back to life, work, family - will help you better sort out future tri plans. nothing needs to be decided now - take some time and recover well.

(but please keep blogging because i love reading it!)

Kiersten said...

It was so great to meet you! I saw your name on the chip list (I ended up with two chips) as having turned yours in and figured you had decided to opt out. You went with your heart...and no one can fault you for that. If it isn't fun, it isn't worth it.

Sara Cox Landolt said...

Enjoy that run, sounds nice to me.
:-) Sara

Trisaratops said...

Hey Meredith--It was so good to meet you and Dave in person. I'm so sorry that things didn't work out as you had planned. I agree with M--the iron-distance is sooooo mental, and if you weren't feeling it, it would not have been a very fun day. One thing I have come to realize is that the races will always be there, but life spins by pretty freakin' fast. Enjoy some good trail runs followed by some breakfast with the hubby or friends, and go with your gut about what to do next. Hugs to you! :)