Motivational Monday

"Never quit.  It is the easiest cop-out in the world.  Set a goal and don't quit until you attain it.  When you do attain it, set another goal and don't quit until you reach it.  Never quit."

- Bear Bryant

Time and Change

Yesterday I was set to tri again at Rev3 Cedar Point. I didn't do it.

With my disappointment in Louisville I was looking to redeem myself and quickly. Cedar Point was a natural choice as I was already going to be there, I knew people who knew people and was able to get myself in as a late entry, financially it made sense, and most importantly, Dave and my family were okay with it. I signed up and retapered. I didn't really tell anyone about it until right before the race when I started leaking things on Facebook and immediately people knew what I was doing. The game was on.

Physically I felt fine; mentally, I was a mess. Since the race I keep having visions of what happened at mile 16 of my Ironman. It really scared me and I didn't know if I was ready to try again so quickly. The night before the race I tossed and turned all night long and came to the conclusion: it's not worth it. So when we woke up Sunday morning I told Dave my decision. He was not happy. He convinced me to put on my race uniform, grab all my stuff, and head down to transition. I fought kicking and screaming the whole way. Finally in the parking lot, I made my final decision. I WAS NOT DOING THE RACE!

I felt good about my decision. I felt bad about my decision. I felt good about my decision. And now I'm back to feeling bad about my decision.

So what happens now? Honestly, I don't know. I know I'm burnt out on triathlon for the season. No I am not going to be signing up for Great Floridian or Beach to Battleship. My season of triathlon is over. I am hoping to do some more running, hopefully doing some running races since I missed a whole summer of road races. Will I come back to triathlon next summer? I'm not sure. Louisville was supposed to be my one shot at Ironman. I was looking forward to moving on with my life after that race. I would have finished what I came to accomplish: marathons, Boston, Ironman.....LIFE. I want to progress my business. I'd even venture to say I've thought about starting a family (Mom, Pat if you're reading this, don't get your hopes up). But now I still feel like I have unfinished business; unfinished business that I should be able to finish.

I don't know what's going to happen with becoming Iron. Tomorrow, I'm going to leave my Garmin and heart rate monitor at home, strap on my running shoes, and just run.

The Countdown

I have to admit, I didn't think training for Ironman would be a huge stretch from training for a marathon. I was wrong. REALLY. WRONG. It is way, way much more training and much, much harder mentally, physically, and emotionally to deal with. This week was my second-to-last big week before the race (YIKES!!!). This week I biked 150 miles, ran 31 miles, and swam nearly 5 miles. I have had super-highs, and the lowest of lows. I rode my first century and changed my first flat tire. I've shed tears of exhaustion, tears of happiness, and tears of nervousness. I can't believe it's all coming to an end and yet it seems there is so much more training I have and need to do. My dreams are colliding with reality. In five weeks I'll toe that line and find out what I'm made of. In five weeks I will become an Ironman.

Self

My teammate Sonja raced herself right into Kona with a 4th place age group finish at Ironman Couer d'Alene this past weekend. I am so excited for her!

But it got me thinking, no matter how hard I work EVER, I will never qualify for Kona. See, I always knew that I was going to be a marathoner. Halfway through the training for my very first marathon, I knew I would qualify and run Boston some day. And I did. I just don't have that confidence with triathlon. I was having a, well, let's call it a discussion with Dave the other day and I found myself screaming at the top of my lungs. Mind you, this was all happening while stopped at a light while we were bike riding. Anyway, I was screaming at the top of my lungs that I felt like this was my one and only chance at the Iron-distance. I didn't want to "just finish" this race. I needed to have a race of a lifetime NOW. I have to get this right the first time because there is nothing, NOTHING, on the schedule after this race. I don't know what's going to happen after August 29th. I feel like I have placed all my self worth and all my self confidence all in this one race. What if I fail? What if I'm not happy with my performance? What if "just finishing" is all I achieve?

I'm eight weeks away from taking on a task bigger than I could have ever imagined. The reality is REAL. The consequences of all my actions and decisions is astronomical. I just don't know if I'm ready...

I Need a Vacation

It's been a long few days. I'm not very good at car rides and this weekend was no exception. And unfortunately every time I was behind the wheel I got in a traffic jam. One of them being THREE. HOURS. LONG!!! Add to that a very private matter that was discussed very publicly on Facebook that unfortunately I've know for a long time very privately. Throw a dash of being called bad names publicly on Facebook which all lead to being de-friended by a relative of mine. All of this while being stuck in a car and hotel room with my parents. I was emotionally drained when I got home. I cried for a long time as soon as I hit the door. It's funny, you go on vacation to unwind, to unplug, but with us being wired all the time I found myself answering phone calls and emails and ending up in disagreements on Facebook. I learned a lot about myself this week and I have finally concluded that I like the adult I've become. I've struggled with that a long time. I'm ready to tackle the week ahead with new vision and looking forward to the road ahead.

Painting a Picture

I’ve been noticing it around town. It must be late May. All of my former track kids who have graduated and are now in college are back for the summer.

Today I ran into a former graduate at lunch. I sat with her a while and talked to her about school and her plans and running. She goes to a great school, is doing wonderfully there, has a fantastic summer internship lined up, and she has big plan for the future—even running the Marine Corp Marathon in the fall.

I once was in a women’s Bible study where I was the only married woman in it. The other gals talked about their plans to meet and marry their dream guy and live happily ever after. Being the cynic that I am, I brought that dream crashing down. No lie, they kicked me out of the study.

As I listened to my former student today telling about her plans for majors, Peace Corp, and graduate school, I wondered what life will really be like for her in 2-3 years. When I was a sophomore in college I was majoring in mechanical engineering and wanted to become an Imagineer for Disney. There was no room in my plans for husband or serious boyfriend (instead I just kept boys on the side!). But I had this grand plan for the big picture. Now at the age of 30 my big picture is rarely in color and usually the size of a postage stamp.

Often the perception of high schoolers is that they’re slackers and into drugs, drinking, and sex with no respect for anything. I have been so lucky that I have coached the cream of the crop. Sure, kids will be kids, but these were also kids who were taking accelerated classes, got into premier schools, and even had MySpace pages that were safe for the whole family. Their grand plans may be grand in nature, but I would be surprised if they didn’t achieve their big plans.

Honestly, I may never have kids of my own. I’m just not mother material and I don’t have the yearning that most women my age (or younger) do. But, every young woman and young man I have coached has brought something special to me. And to hear them talk about their achievements and their dreams makes me very proud that I could have ever been a small fraction of that. My picture in front of me may be small and dimly lit, but the picture behind me is filled with beautiful smiling faces of those facing their futures. And for them and the impact they’ve had in my life, a small hug and a thank you brings warmth into any picture.

Kinda Sad

A recent graduate of the school I coach at committed suicide this past week. His funeral was last night. As I drove past the church where the funeral was held, there wasn't an empty parking spot. In fact, the cars were parked along the street, in neighboring driveways, just about anywhere. And this is a pretty big church. I did not know this person, but the scene really affected me. Here was a kid who thought he was so alone and troubled by so much that his only escape was to kill himself, and yet there were hundreds who did care.

Tell someone you care about them today. You never know how much that other person might need to hear it.