I do about 95% of my training all by myself. Why? Because of my ability to workout during the day, because I have an individual training plan from a coach, because I have my own goals, because I suck on the bike, etc., etc. Yesterday I biked the full 112 miles, which left me with nearly seven hours to be inside my own head.
I have been battling depression for about 17 years. It has its peaks and valleys. I used to see a professional about it, but since I refuse to be medicated, I find that going to a shrink is a waste of time. So, I just deal and hope it passes. My current mental state has been a tidal wave of emotions. It's been a rough couple of months. I don't know if it's the wear of all my training or my current lot in life, but yesterday on my bike I decided I needed to make a few changes.
'They' say that money doesn't buy happiness. I think that's crap. The people who said that have never had to live on one income in a tough economy. I'm not sure I believe in tough economy. I think you have to be smart (like, if you pay off your credit card every month it doesn't matter what the interest rate is on it) and live within your means. The difficulty I've had is that when Dave and I got married we had established a lifestyle, a way of life that has drastically had to change when I quit my job and started my own business. And I miss my old lifestyle. I'm tired of hearing how his parents are on vacation for the billionth time this year or how my parents are trying to buy their third property or if I have to read one more status update on Facebook about how much fun so-and-so is having on her vacation, I might just hurt something or myself.
I've been thinking a lot about my business and where to go from here. We have brainstormed our brains out and we just think, currently, we've maxed out our options. And the current state things are in cause me a lot of stress - too much stress for the pennies I am getting paid or not getting paid, as it is. I really do want to continue the business, but I think some changes are in order. Dave and I have talked extensively about it and I think it's time to make a decision before we dig our grave. Having spent so much time thinking about it yesterday, in my head, the decision is made. No formal announcement needed, we will just be handling things differently starting in 2012.
With that decision made the question becomes, will we still be having enough income or getting more income from the business to at least continue our way of life as it currently is and how do we begin saving money to come closer to the lifestyle we were living? I've thought a lot about going back to work - not as an engineer, but as "just an employee." I would love to work a job where I clock in and out and take nothing home with me (troubles, work, etc.). I know, though, I will absolutely hate this. Not only because I've been my own boss for three years, but because I will be bored out of my freakin' mind and will continue to waste my intelligence and talent. I've struggled a lot with giving up being an engineer. I let it define me and I can't seem to shake that. I hate every day that I am sitting at home rotting my brain while watching the Kardashians. Is the money of going back to work enough to over power the freedom that I've gained? My inner struggle continues...
Working from home is lonely. Really, deep, dark lonely. Facebook, Twitter, and blogs keep me entertained. What I have learned, however, is that they give shy girls like myself empowerment, yet I'm only realizing now they're not real life. The "friends" I have made online are not real and never will be my real friends. Having done endurance sports for the last 10 years, while my real-life friends have gone on to create families, has put a Grand Canyon-sized distance between us. I have absolutely nothing in common with anyone anymore. So once THE BIG ONE!!! is over in a few weeks, my lonely cave will grow in size and darkness. It's hard to imagine that things could be worse than it already is, but I'm also preparing myself for what happens after ironman. What will life be like?
I use my blog a lot to hide from the real person I am. I think a lot of bloggers do that. They can create a whole new person online and become the person they've always wanted to be. I've been blogging now for seven years and that's exactly what I've done. And then when people meet you they think they know exactly who they're getting and that's not me at all. I'm so sick of reading bull shit blog posts! I'm so sick of writing bull shit blog posts!
This is me. Stripped to the core. Fully exposed.