Having a blog is a lot like going on a first date. I'm not exactly sure who's reading it so I always put my best foot forward, wear my nicest outfit, and present myself well. Now that I've been in therapy for the last few months I'm realizing I do this in real life too. I'm not living transparently and letting people in to the real Meredith.
I think it's time to come clean.
I mentioned last year my battle with depression. It's been an ongoing thing for the last 16+ years. It comes and goes. Mostly I've been able to fight it on my own, knowing that it will pass.
This time it's different. This time I feel like I have absolutely no control over my depression and no idea why I am so depressed. I hate the word suicidal, because I'm not going to kill or harm myself, but I guess that's where I am. For the last few weeks I have been hoping every night when I go to bed that I won't wake up in the morning. It seems like the only way out. I just want all of this to go away. I don't want to be me anymore.
On top of all that, I've developed horrible anxiety. Involuntarily I can go from feeling okay to having this overwhelming feeling and horrible nausea. It's ridiculous. It's exhausting.
It's affecting everything. My running has gone to shit. It's not that I don't have the speed or the stamina. I just can't believe in myself and my abilities. It's affecting my abilities to be human, to interact. This weekend we went down to Houston for the trials and to run the open half/full marathon. I was sick from the night before we left until we got back yesterday. More on Houston to come in the following days.
I just felt like it was time to stand on my rock and let others in on my struggle. I cannot pretend anymore.