Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Coming Clean

Having a blog is a lot like going on a first date. I'm not exactly sure who's reading it so I always put my best foot forward, wear my nicest outfit, and present myself well. Now that I've been in therapy for the last few months I'm realizing I do this in real life too. I'm not living transparently and letting people in to the real Meredith.

I think it's time to come clean.

I mentioned last year my battle with depression. It's been an ongoing thing for the last 16+ years. It comes and goes. Mostly I've been able to fight it on my own, knowing that it will pass.

This time it's different. This time I feel like I have absolutely no control over my depression and no idea why I am so depressed. I hate the word suicidal, because I'm not going to kill or harm myself, but I guess that's where I am. For the last few weeks I have been hoping every night when I go to bed that I won't wake up in the morning. It seems like the only way out. I just want all of this to go away. I don't want to be me anymore.

On top of all that, I've developed horrible anxiety. Involuntarily I can go from feeling okay to having this overwhelming feeling and horrible nausea. It's ridiculous. It's exhausting.

It's affecting everything. My running has gone to shit. It's not that I don't have the speed or the stamina. I just can't believe in myself and my abilities. It's affecting my abilities to be human, to interact. This weekend we went down to Houston for the trials and to run the open half/full marathon. I was sick from the night before we left until we got back yesterday. More on Houston to come in the following days.

I just felt like it was time to stand on my rock and let others in on my struggle. I cannot pretend anymore.

12 comments:

Karen said...

I wish I had some magic word to help you. I have battled depression off and on since I was younger as well. It breaks my heart that you are struggling but so glad it sounds like you are seeking help. It sounds so cliche but things WILL get better. Hang in there and try to focus on the things that make you happy. Will be keeping you in my thoughts...

LittleRachet said...

(not that it ever would) but if it ever crossed your mind that you wanted to talk to me, please don't EVER hesitate to call. You have my number. Whatever you need. Just want you happy!

Melissa C said...

Meredith, I wish I had more to offer in terms of help. Call me if you need to talk. I was in a bad place in 2001, when I was in a bad work environment that caused me a lot of anxiety/depression. Thankfully, that was a short term assignment, and once I was removed from the situation, I was able to stop taking medication for it shortly after. I would actually try to figure out ways that I would fall and break my femur while at work, so that I would be able to be put on short term disability until the assigment was over. I didn't actually take action because at the time, I was running around 35 miles a week for theraputic reasons, and if I broke my femur, I wouldn't be able to run anymore, which was worse than my situation. It was really messed up how everything was, and then, once things started getting better, my boyfriend at the time only liked depressed anxious me, and once I got better and wanted to do things, I got dumped! BUT, I feel like everything happens for a reason because without this experience, I may not have asked Ryan out and started dating him, eventually marrying, (I had met him before my previous relationship ended), and I might not have found my relationship with Jesus Christ. I really hope you can work through this, maybe you will come out a better person (please don't take that as an insult, I just know I did for it).

LAPT said...

I'm glad that you've "come clean." I think it's more important for you to be true to yourself than it is for you to worry about being judged. Depression isn't a choice and it doesn't indicate "failure" or "weakness." Do you read Dooce.com? She's talked about her history of depression often, and her honesty about the struggle has given many others a voice. I hope that being open about it helps.

Jamie said...

Ugh. I wish I could come up with something really smart to say to help you manage it all, but I've got nothing.

Knowing others who have battled the same thing, I have seen how hard it can be.

I guess all I can say is that I'm with Rachelle and that if you ever need me, I'm just a call or email or FB message away.

Kate said...

You should be proud of yourself for your honestly in a battle that so many people fight. Coming from a family with a history of depression, I know theres nothing I can say, but be strong. You're doing great by seeking help.

Caroline said...

Meredith, I started reading your blog years ago (in fact, yours was one of the first blogs I ever read and it inspired me to start writing one of my own). Anyway, I don't comment often, but I think it takes courage to be as honest as you are being on your blog. And I really don't know what to say to make it better because there isn't a magic word that will do that. But I'm sure I speak for myself AND many of the people who follow your blog when I say I'm pulling for you and I hope that you find a way to overcome all of the negative and the scary and the hardships you've been thrown up against.

Colleen said...

((HUGS)) I know that's about all I can offer! Stay strong girl... this will pass! And be true to yourself... that's the most important person in the world!

M said...

Meredith - I really have no idea what to say except I wish you the best in your journey. I love your blog, and I always enjoy hearing about what's going on with training, life, whatever. Thank you for being so honest and open about everything. Sending you lots of good vibes.

Bill Fine said...

Hi Meredith!

I'm sorry you're dealing with this difficult condition, but I also have faith that you'll find your way through it. I enjoy reading your postings and feel that your honest admission is a step in the right direction. Just know that your "friends" out here actually do care....and we're right alongside you cheering all the way. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll eventually reach your destination!

Laura Mount said...

OMG girl you are SO NOT alone. I know that is of little to no consolation when you are 'in the hole'.... It pains me to hear someone else utter those words. I find it all to be quite cyclical and when you come out of it (bc you will) you will think (at least i do) well that was just silly. WHO was that person thinking those horribly negative things.. life is grand. It's hardest knowing there is nothing triggering the feelings!

I'm so so sorry you are going through this! I would love to give you advice (even though I know it's not what you are looking for)... but the only answer I have ever personally found is time. Time works it out for whatever reason.

Just a few weeks ago I wanted to start an anonymous blog where I could talk about this stuff and just let it all out.. talk in my REAL voice.. say things that were REALLY on my mind (like your post) and no one in my real life would be the wiser.

Then amazingly I woke up one day and the feeling had lifted and I was happy that I woke up and the need for my REAL blog went away so I skipped along merrily and forgot all about it.. until I read what you wrote!

Hang in there! You will climb out of the hole soon!!!! I HOPE! Hugs and love to you ...

Alili said...

Meredith, I'm just catching up - sending you a huge hug. Depression and anxiety are rotten things to battle. I'm so glad that you reached out and as you can see from all of your friends (both real and imaginary) that you are NOT alone.