You know when you go to the doctor's office and it seems that every one in the waiting area has the flu and they're sneezing and coughing and snotting and of course, you're only there to see the doctor about something that does not involve being sick? You sit in the waiting area hoping they'll call you back quickly so you don't catch whatever everyone else has?
Today I had my annual. You know what I'm talking about ladies....the most hellacious 15 minutes of every year. The waiting room was packed with women and ALL of them were pregnant. For an hour, AN HOUR!, I sat there with the walls closing in on me and my lungs collapsing and just hoping that I would not catch what these other women had.
Finally I was called back (thank goodness) and all I kept thinking is let's get this over and quickly. Then, I got the pressure lecture. As I approach my 30th birthday, in two years mind you, I continually get this lecture from everybody I know. This is how it goes..."You know, you're almost 30 and it gets harder to pregnant after the age of 30 and I wouldn't want you to regret anything." But my doctor took it one step further. She said that we should be thinking about trying now. WHAT?! First of all, isn't it my decision? And secondly, isn't 30 like the new 20? Am I really that old?
A few weeks ago I was late, like several weeks late. And I FREAKED out! I went into the grocery store, approached THE aisle and looked around to see if anyone is watching me. Let me back up...I went to a grocery store in another town so it was less likely that I would know anyone there. Ha! I grabbed the pregnancy test, hid it under my arm, and approached the self-checkout. I quickly scanned that sucker, paid for the purchase, and stuffed it into my purse. I got home, peed on that stick, and waited shaking like a leaf. I was relieved when the test revealed I was very not pregnant. No denying that. A week later I still hadn't started my period and I started to get worried that I had done something wrong with the test or it was too early to have done the test in the first place. So, I took another one and was again relieved to have it come back negative. Obviously, this episode is a definite sign that I am SOOOOO not ready.
I don't need anyone to tell me I'm getting older. I realize that. I am not happy that 30 is knocking on my door. But, I don't feel almost 30 and I certainly don't look almost 30. And I don't understand why 30 is this magical number that determines my fertility. Right now, I'm not ready. I mean, scares the 'shiznit out of me', not ready. And no matter how many times people give me the pressure lecture, my mind is not going to change.