Sometimes I think this blog is a bunch of bull. For six years I've been blogging about superficial stuff that means absolutely nothing and is not an honest reflection of myself. Today will be different.....
Truth be told, I don't like myself very much. Let me rephrase that. I hate myself. I hate myself about 99% of the time. I have pretty much hated myself for as long as I can remember. I'm sure you're reading saying "woah, that girl is depressed" and maybe in a way I am. But really I see it as a series of unfortunate events that have lead me to this place, to this person I've become. These unfortunate events have caused me to be a very cynical and opinionated person. And it's not as easy as 'just letting go'. I am constantly reminded that I've "chosen" to be this person or no matter how many times I try to be someone different, I'm still this person, this monster.
I've had a rough week, couple of months, this past year. The workload and training for 2010 stripped me to the core and revealed my true colors to everyone around me. I knew this person; most people did not. Now I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle to save face, to try to win back people. I'm fighting with my own inner demons, though, knowing that this is the real Meredith and now people know. I've never felt lonelier. I tell people I nap every day for recovery from my workouts, but in all honesty I do it just to get through the day. Part of the day goes away and I just get one step closer to the next day. The next day has got to be better, right? Yet, it never seems like it.
I often wonder 'why' about a lot of things. Rolling into my second week of training I'm wonder 'why' I am doing all of it again? Do I really have anything to prove? Am I proving it to myself or to the people that I feel I need to prove it to? Do those people even care? And then I think about my business. Why do I put myself out there only to be judged, which I take very personally? Why am I trying to expand my business when it seems I can't get anyone to rally behind me? When is the dam going to break and people will figure me out and turn against me? Seems like it always happens. The question I've asked a lot this year "why don't people like me?" And really I wonder, why am I like this? Why can't I let go? Why?
Don't read more into this. Yes I probably need professional help. Doesn't everyone? No I'm not going to do anything drastic like harm myself or others. I just want a new me. I want to replace the me that's there and finally be happy with me. I just want to be happy with me.