Friday, November 12, 2010

Honesty

Sometimes I think this blog is a bunch of bull. For six years I've been blogging about superficial stuff that means absolutely nothing and is not an honest reflection of myself. Today will be different.....

Truth be told, I don't like myself very much. Let me rephrase that. I hate myself. I hate myself about 99% of the time. I have pretty much hated myself for as long as I can remember. I'm sure you're reading saying "woah, that girl is depressed" and maybe in a way I am. But really I see it as a series of unfortunate events that have lead me to this place, to this person I've become. These unfortunate events have caused me to be a very cynical and opinionated person. And it's not as easy as 'just letting go'. I am constantly reminded that I've "chosen" to be this person or no matter how many times I try to be someone different, I'm still this person, this monster.

I've had a rough week, couple of months, this past year. The workload and training for 2010 stripped me to the core and revealed my true colors to everyone around me. I knew this person; most people did not. Now I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle to save face, to try to win back people. I'm fighting with my own inner demons, though, knowing that this is the real Meredith and now people know. I've never felt lonelier. I tell people I nap every day for recovery from my workouts, but in all honesty I do it just to get through the day. Part of the day goes away and I just get one step closer to the next day. The next day has got to be better, right? Yet, it never seems like it.

I often wonder 'why' about a lot of things. Rolling into my second week of training I'm wonder 'why' I am doing all of it again? Do I really have anything to prove? Am I proving it to myself or to the people that I feel I need to prove it to? Do those people even care? And then I think about my business. Why do I put myself out there only to be judged, which I take very personally? Why am I trying to expand my business when it seems I can't get anyone to rally behind me? When is the dam going to break and people will figure me out and turn against me? Seems like it always happens. The question I've asked a lot this year "why don't people like me?" And really I wonder, why am I like this? Why can't I let go? Why?

Don't read more into this. Yes I probably need professional help. Doesn't everyone? No I'm not going to do anything drastic like harm myself or others. I just want a new me. I want to replace the me that's there and finally be happy with me. I just want to be happy with me.

19 comments:

SSB said...

Hey,

I went through this big time this year...resulting in me pretty much quitting triathlon (except that someone talked me into doing KOna, but I did it on my terms).

As soon as I made some major decisions in my life things changed for the better. A lot better.

You'll get through this, and if want to chat I'm here to listen.

xoxo
Maggs

MaggsMorris@gmail.co

Velma said...

You can make an decision you want - you really can. You will find the right path.

Have you read Open by Aggasi - I noticed that you are a tennis fan. He goes throught these pains a lot.

a runners' life said...

Hi

Your post is extremely honest; I like that. As SSB says, it's all about decision making - finding out what makes you happy and doing it on your terms.

I've gone and continue to go through periods of self hatred which create further problems in many areas of life- what I've found helps is trying to find the core of the problem, noting down all the good things, and working on eliminating the not so pleasant ones. Sometimes all that is needed is change.

:)

Big Daddy Diesel said...

One thing I learned is that I have to be happy before I can make others happy. I spent too much of my life making other people happy that I didnt take care of myself mentally.

D said...

Whew... I have so much to say (and so little, at the same time), but I think I'll save it for a message later.

To be said here: A LOT of people like who you are now & don't want to see you change. <3

Megan said...

Maybe you should take a step back, take a break. Change things. Ask yourself why you are doing the things you are. Is it to get acclaim from your peers, or is it because its something you really have a passion about?

Sometimes things in life tend to pile up, and there comes a time when we need to make sacrifices... but really, they aren't really sacrifices; they are just things we triage so we can live happier lives. Shed the weight, deary. You deserve to be happy. And no one is judging you here...

Hold on to those who are standing behind you, and forget the ones that are looking down on you.

Andrea Hill said...

A few years ago there was a blog post I saw that asked "if you could have the thing you want most in the world, but couldn't tell anyone, would you still want it?"

Really think about it, and the answer may surprise you.

LJ O'Shanahan said...

Thank you for being so honest. I know I'll never truly understand how you're feeling because I'm not you, but what you posted really strikes a chord with me because I've felt similarly for a long, long time.

Lots of great comments here that I'll take to heart.

Thanks Meredith xo

Spie said...

Even though I only know you through your posts (blog and Facebook) and a brief encounter in Kansas, it breaks my heart to think that you are so down on yourself. It seems that you put a lot of pressure on yourself. The themes from the last months of your blogs seem to revolve all around what you “should” be doing, i.e. getting to bed and waking up early, making all your workouts, to eating what is good for you. I really have not seen a post that involves what you “want” to do. I know I should vacuum, do laundry, and clean the cat’s box, but none of those things rouse me out of bed at 5 in the morning. A crisp, pre-dawn, morning run? Now that is another story!

Since you are journaling your workouts and your other goals, may I also suggest writing that things that made you happy during that day, be it watching Sloopy at the dog park, a trail run with Dave, or chocolate chip cookies and a chick flick. Then, at the beginning of each week look back at the things that made you happy in the past, and consciously do some or all of them in the current week, making time to do the things that you want to do and make you feel good!

We all have an ugliness monster inside of us. Yours is cynical and opinionated. Mine is petty and mean. Those who truly love and appreciate us dismiss the ugly and see the beauty that is within. Please take a step back and ask yourself if the people that you are battling to win back are worth the cost of the battle.

Colleen said...

Meredith, it breaks my heart to know that you feel this way. :( In the short time that I've known you, I've grown to really enjoy the spunky, fun loving runner, triathlete and business owner. You are your own person inside and out.

I hope that our texts the other day didn't cause any of this... I could tell something was not rightand probably should have just said that I'm here if you need to talk.

I'm really looking forward to our lunch next week. And like others have said, focus on making yourself happy before you try to please others. YOU are the most important person in YOUR life.
((HUGS))

Melissa C said...

Meredith,
I am really sorry to hear that you feel this way! I have known you a long time, and want to let you know that I have had some really rough patches...some I have shared and some I haven't. You are great. I can't wait to see you on Thanksgiving morning. Don't be afraid to get help. I got some a while back, and just yesterday Keira's dr suggested I speak with a counselor to help me deal with Keira, which is terribly stressful to me. I just cut some stuff out of my life, and while it helped a bit with my stress level, some things haven't changed at all, and that was a huge bummer to me, making me feel worse, like I quit for no reason, you know? I hope we can catch up soon!

Laura said...

Hang in there girl!!! I think we could all say that we've walked this path!! As others have mentioned YOU have the power and YOU WILL find it!

Way to put it all out there and be honest!

Andrea said...

Girl, you are so "normal" and you don't even know it.

Yes, professional help will help. More than you think. I have been seeing a psychatrist for over a year (not just for the divorce, but for my self-esteem issues too).

And just ask coach - there was a time when I was sending her an email once a week for three months asking her "what's it all about" and "why am I doing this?".

There is NO SHAME in taking care of you. Look inside yourself - it's scary - but I can atest ... is so worth it if happiness can be the outcome.

Michelle said...

Hey! I'm going to send you a private message when I have some uninterrupted, undistracted time. Hang in there!

NiceMatters said...

This could be me. I could have written these same words. Have had these same thoughts. Wanting to like myself struck a chord. And so I keep running. This is my therapy. For a part of each day I can depend on feeling good. Have not figured out the "why" I feel this way. Is it being a woman? Being human? Being a perfectionist and WAY to critical?

I needed to respond on the chance that in some way it helps to know you aren't the only one. Reading your words means I am not alone in this battle and in some small way that helps the loneliness.

Here's to holding on to the happiness and contentment.

Margot said...

Meredith,
Your blog post made me sad; I haven't seen you in 15 years, but I know this...

You are an amazing woman, and you have a lot to offer. It's true. Every woman I know fits this ~ no matter what. We each have incredible abilities that we can contribute. YOU DO TOO!

Now the challenge is to find out what you want to offer. Everyone else is right too- you need to take care of yourself first, see someone (it's amazing what a little medication can do, believe me- I know), and pay attention to your motives for doing something, and maybe do some yoga.

So here's something that might be different. And I learned it the hard way ... some friendships/relationship take more energy than they are worth, and without them, you may actually feel better. And friendships change, or fall away, and that's okay. You never know why things happen... but know this: if people don't like you when they really know you, then they aren't worth having in your life. Seriously. It only matters if you like you- work on that. Because once you do, people in your life will like/love you as well.

So my thoughts are with you. it takes courage to be as honest as you were in your blog. Stay on that path- it will lead in the right direction. And remember: you are an amazing woman, and you add value to lives around you.

keep on keepin' on... you will come out stronger than you feel now.

margot

Janet Edwards said...

Meredith, hooping you find what can make you a happier you! I know I am glad to have had the chance to meet you this year and hope your rough period eases up! Hugs!

Kiersten said...

Meredith,
Janet said it well...I feel fortunate to have met you this year, and left Cedar Point with the impression that you needed to figure out where to head next (in terms of sports). I commend you for being open on your blog, and I hope it helped you flush some things out. You can be cynical and opinionated but still be a wonderful person, and it seems that there are lots of people (your teammates included) who think you are. I wish you the best on this journey, and know that there is a crew of green people pulling for you. XO

Laura said...

So this is random because I don't know you and I don't think I've ever commented on your blog before, although I do enjoy reading about your adventures. Let's just say from an outsiders perspective, you seem like a gutsy, driven, pretty awesome person.

A friend told me recently when I was having issues with some petty women in my life that as you get older it's impossible for you to have everyone like you. There just isn't enough time with work, and training, and life. When you do have time to socialize you want to spend that time with people you enjoy. And THAT'S OK! This was an amazing realization for me, and maybe it will help you too.

Don't forget to SMILE! :)