Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Insane in the Membrane

I haven't signed up for the marathon yet.

Okay, first of all, I'm dumb.  I thought I needed to sign up by the 2nd before the price went up.  What I didn't read very closely is that it was April 2nd, not May 2nd.  Dummy!  The price is what it is.  But, the full marathon is at 75% full so I do need to be making a decision soon. 

So what's the problem?

Well, I'm insane in the membrane.  Insane in the brain.  I haven't done a full marathon since 2009, which was Boston where I scored the perfect race and the Nike Women's Marathon where I just fell apart.  Since that time, I've struggled to get my junk together in the big races including two failed ironmans and the National Marathon which I bailed and just did the half.  I used to be able to block everything out, to almost have amnesia when it came to racing.  I was always hell-bent on doing better and better and better.  But there was something magical about Boston 2009 that I sort of doubt I will ever be able to replicate and therefore I think I give up too easily.  I'm running scared. 

I also feel like I need to do this marathon to get the freakin' monkey off my back.  To know that I've still got it.  To know that the marathon is still a great race for me. 

However, and here's the runner snob in me, I don't want to do it if I can't turn out a big time, a Boston qualifying time, a new PR.  Look I've run many marathons and I've run Boston several times.  I don't need to do a marathon to do a marathon.  And this race is BORING, certainly not one I would do for the experience.  It's not even in a different state, so it's not like I'm checking anything new off my list.

I don't know; I'm really torn.  On one hand, it's only a fraction of the money I've spent on ironman races that I never finished so I could totally eat this money if I decide I don't want to do it after signing up.  But on the other hand, I cringe at spending the money and not doing it.  I'm repulsed at the thought of training for a marathon even though it's not much more training than I'm doing right now for a half.  I'm just gonna keep my eye on the website and make a decision when I NEED to make a decision.


JFord said...

My humble opinion is only do a marathon that you want to do! If it doesn't excite you, then wait for something that does!

I only do one marathon (well, it's only my second one, but that is besides the point) I run the St Judes Marathon in Memphis, because it supports a very good cause and I like being able to raise money for them.

Spie said...

Based on what you have just written, I say you should not race. You need to have the fire in your belly to commit to the training and to draw you through the dark miles. It sounds like, right now, you have the passion for running, but not the passion for racing. Running never needs to be justified by an end goal.

jeff said...

ultra. uuultra. uuuuuuuultra...

Betsy said...

Remember that old No Fear shirt that said YOU MISS 100% OF THE SHOTS YOU DON'T TAKE?

Be you not want to do this particular race or do you have a fear of not hitting your goals, of not shaking the monkey, of self defined failure?

You're running strong, you're back doing what you love, it's been a few years since you've run a marathon. I think taking the step and getting back in the game will be a HUGE leap in your mental racing recovery.

At the end of the day, not getting a PR isn't the worst thing in the world. And by not racing you could be letting that amazing, fast, best race ever, I'm back and better than ever, PR miss 100% of PRs at races you don't start?!?

Jamie said...

I'm with Jeff. Marathons are boring. Find some crazy/mountain/trail ultra or something.

Maybe it'll be easier to stir up some passion around an ultra and really be into training for that.