Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Another {bleep} Meltdown

Tonight, I had another epic meltdown.  It went something like this...

Actually, it wasn't as dramatic but it did involve being crawled up on the floor in front of the kitchen, crying, while Dave hugged me and Sloopy licked my tears away.

Let's start from the beginning.

After procrastinating as long as I could, I headed to the gym.  Alone.  Dave's foot has been bothering him this week so he decided to take the day off.  I have not had great workouts for a while and I was kinda hoping without the pressure of Dave breezing through his workout that I would be able to take my time and just enjoy myself.  I started on the elliptical.  I took all the resistance and climb off of it and just went slowly between 140-150 steps per minute.  Barely 3/4 of a mile into it my heart rate was above 140 and I was frustrated.  I stopped and moved to the treadmill.  Again, I've been doing my walking in the 14:XX/mile range, but because Dave wasn't there I decided to back off and only do about 17:00/miles.  Even this seemed like too much.  I've been experiencing really bad reflux, so getting warm and getting my heart rate up just makes me want to get sick.  Regardless, I pushed myself to finish two miles total between the elliptical and treadmill and called it a day.

Last week I read coach's blog about Quiet Confidence.  What I got from her post is something we've talked about before - stay away from social media!!!  More and more I've been feeling like maybe I should. (Minus the blog, of course.  I have total control on the blog.)  I've recently put some things out on Facebook that have not gotten the response I had expected, which has caused me to just get frustrated and delete the post entirely.  I like Facebook because it keeps me in touch with people from my past, but it has also left me frustrated as these are not my real friends and they do not know me at all, yet feel like they can just comment on whatever.

Anyway, after the rough workout and being that I was all alone, I turned my frustration to Facebook and posted this:
Feeling super discouraged. I'm not sure there are a whole lot of meaningful workouts left. I really can't run anymore, my heart rate gets too high on the elliptical, and I feel overheated and feel sick just walking 17:00+ min/miles. If I stopped doing anything I'll gain another 30 pounds before this baby is born. I don't have a lot of faith in losing the weight afterwards. What can I do?
I got a lot of responses.  Most were positive and reassuring and then some were just, in my opinion, dumb.  Telling me to relax, that it doesn't matter how much weight I gain, to make sure my baby was healthy. 

First of all,  I am going with the flow with this pregnancy and being so much more laid back and calm than I ever have in my life.  Seriously. 

Secondly, it may not really matter how much weight I gain because I'm going to gain what I gain, but if I don't have to gain those extra pounds, I don't want to.  All that weight has to come off and I know that's not going to be easy for me.  I do not want to gain 40, 50, or more pounds.  I'm nervous because I gained a lot in the last 10 weeks - about 17 pounds.  And I haven't even hit my third trimester yet.  I do not want to have stretch marks; I do not want to gain weight in my face, my arms, my butt; and damn right if I can do something about it I will.  I have always been self conscious about my weight and size.  I'm 5'1".  Every pound counts.  Pregnancy has not changed the way I feel about myself when I'm at a size I do not want to be at.  I knew this would be the hardest part about pregnancy for me.

Lastly, my baby is healthy.  Everything has been great with the pregnancy and with the baby.  I am doing things like eating healthy, getting enough sleep, etc. to make sure the baby is healthy.  But, there are things I want and like to do to keep healthy - like working out.  I love running.  I love being fit and active.  It is my sanctuary.  If I can't do it, I might go insane.  Plus, I want to stay fit.  I do not want to have a whole year of trying to get the baby weight off.  I do not want to lose any of my muscle mass.  I want to be able to fit into my real clothes as soon as possible.  I want to race, really race, next summer.  If you can't understand this, then you don't know me at all.

By the end of today, my disappointment and sadness had just turned into anger and it took everything in my power not to delete the post entirely from Facebook.  I am going to think long and hard next time I want to post anything on Facebook about this pregnancy.  It's left me frustrated and angry with people.  This is MY pregnancy and I am doing it MY way. 


Elsa said...

Sorry you're feeling this way, but I did want to let you in on a secret no one told me.

You actually don't gain much weight at all in the 3rd trimester.

Sometimes you even go down a pound or two. Like you, I had big growth spurts in the 2nd trimester with both of mine, then hardly gained any more weight in the 3rd trimester (like only 2 pounds or something).

Andrea Hill said...

That's why I texted you directly :-)

I wouldn't say people who respond in a way you don't like don't know you... Maybe they DO know you, and that's why they're posting. Just because you do t like what they write doesn't mean they don't know you. Just means they have an opinion they want to share.

Jackie said...

I never checked my heart rate when I was pregnant, I just ran. If it started hurting I slowed down, perceived exertion I guess is what it's called. Can you stop with the heart rate monitoring and just go by feel?

Val said...

I remember not being terribly hungry in the 3rd trimester, and there's not much room left by then for lots of eating anyway. I think, though I'm in no way medically inclined, that most of the weight you gain then is pure baby-related.

I know YOU don't want to take a year to lose the weight, but remember that phrase about it takes 9 months to HAVE a baby. You'll probably end up more frustrated if you expect to lose it all in 6 weeks instead of the 9 months the rest of us need. You are allowed to consciously tell yourself that in making a human being all bets are off. Now, if you were sitting down with a bag of chips and dip followed by ice cream every single evening, I would have a different lecture for you. However, you are exercising and eating in a healthy way, so give yourself permission to stop freaking out about the weight, no matter how calm and forgiving you feel like you're already being. This is your first time. Breathe. =) I love you.