Tuesday, June 02, 2015

Time Tunnel Approaching

Listen, I'm not doing too well growing older.  I guess I just never thought about life after 30.  When I was younger I had plans - college, career, husband - all by the age of 30.  Now that I'm sorta nearing 40, I feel like time is running out. 

No, not running out like that.  I just feel like, maybe, I'm starting to run out of time for the things that are important to me.  Let's start with running.  I have been marathon running since I was 23.  I've run 17 marathons.  My PR was set six years ago.  I've had a goal for years to go after my dad's marathon PR of 3:21, but with only three years until things, perhaps, start to start sliding back downhill I worry that it may not happen (even though he set that PR when he was in his late 40s).  Now I'm injured and facing a LONG recovery and rebuilding time.  Will I ever get back to the runner I once was?  Does it seem stupid that it's THAT important to me? 

And now let's talk about societal pressures.  One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone asks me if Anderson is my first child.  Yes he's my FIRST.  He's my ONLY.  I have ALWAYS said that IF I have a child, I will only have one.  And I waited a long time to have one.  My sister and I did not get a long (ie - could not even be in the same room without arguing) until we were in our 30s.  Dave and his brother are nine years apart so it's not like he had a sibling close in age that could be his best friends.  So, both Dave and I are okay with one child.  But I have felt a lot of pressure from the "world" that I HAVE to give Anderson a sibling.  If I want to do this (and really I don't), I better get a move on.  It was hard enough to get pregnant the first time and now being over 35 it could be way, way harder and a lot more dangerous. 

I feel stuck.  Running goals or family expanding?  I feel like there's only room for one.  I'm really conflicted.  I think about it every day, a lot every day.  I really don't know how to be okay with either make.  And I don't feel like I can make both choices.  What to do???


Carina said...

Ha, I feel like I'm in the exact same place, except it's the debate about wanting a single kid, after being 100% certain I did not want kids for at least the last 20 years. I'm now reconsidering, which makes me worried my husband is going to divorce me (he absolutely does not want a baby and he has unequivocally said that repeatedly, though I don't know what he'd say if I said I really did want one, but I'm not even sure that I do). I run with someone who used to be a gynecologist and is now a fertility specialist and I hammered her with questions this morning, what are my chances now, what are my chances in 2-3 years, in 5 years, what about my husband's age, what about down's syndrome, what about autism, what about running while pregnant, what about everything. I texted her during breakfast and told her I'm going to make her a dozen "free legal advice" gift cards because she really gave me a lot of info and I owe her!
Didn't mean to make the comment all about me, but funny that we're in similar mindsets right now!

Anne said...

Just get some really good neighbours with a child the same age, almost but not quite like a sibling.